Moving From Contempt to Conversation: Megan Phelps-Roper & Arguing Responsibly

In the past year, all of us have lived through some of the most tense moments of American history. Tensions rose, arguments abounded, and people fought both verbally and physically to defend what they believed in. Somewhere along the line, we as a society have collectively failed to work out our grievances and issues in ways that would not end up with people at each others' throats.

Recently I was introduced to this video, a TED talk given in 2017 by Megan Phelps-Roper, a former member of the Westboro Baptist Church. For anyone who does not recognize that name, consider yourself lucky. To put it lightly, they are a vile extremist cult from Topeka, Kansas who devote their lives to condemning the outside world to hell, particularly the lgbtq+ community. She talks about how she was raised to believe that the outside world was evil, and that her church was righteous. However, when she took her message to Twitter, a few people were willing to engage her in civil debate that ended with her realizing the faults of her worldview and leaving the church. Her message is that these people, though they had every right to hate her and to completely ignore her, chose to argue with her in a way that was effective and responsible. In her talk, she identifies four things these people did that allowed them to have a real conversation.

1. Don't Assume Bad Intent.

When we come across people who have different opinions than us on certain subjects, it can be very hard to give the benefit of the doubt. This is especially true when, from your perspective, their beliefs and their practices are harmful or even evil, like those held by the Westboro Baptist Church. However, coming into an argument with the mindset that your opponent is motivated by some malicious intent means that original feeling of anger will only continue to grow. From there, the discussion can quickly devolve into a shallow, pointless screaming match where both parties just come away angry, hurt, and more convinced that the other side is evil. That's why keeping an open mind is so important. By entering an argument with the assumption that your opponent has good or even neutral intent, it's much easier to get past the initial emotional reaction and engage in meaningful conversation.

2. Ask Questions.

Arguing with people who have different beliefs from you means you need some way to bridge the gap between you and them. Questions serve as a way to continue a debate while also gaining some understanding of the other side. They also encourages the other person to ask you questions back, which means you both can have a change to speak and to listen to each other, which gives insight into what the other person believes and why. This can also help you to notice flaws in their argument or even flaws in yours. Finally, asking thoughtful questions shows that you've been listening to them, and that you are sincere and want to have a real conversation.

3. Stay Calm.

Easier said than done. Keeping your emotions in check when arguing with someone is vital to arguing responsibly, but it can be so difficult to stay calm, especially if the other side seems to want a fight. Insults, threats, sarcastic jabs, raised voices, and an overall lack of respect can quickly enrage tempers and ruin any chance of conversation. It takes practice and discipline to keep your cool, and to know when and how to remove yourself from a heated argument in order to let things de-escalate. Successfully doing so is the key to keeping things civil in any conversation, especially when arguing.

4. Make the Argument.

Well, duh, right? How do you have an argument without making the argument? However, if you think about it, this is an important point. Our beliefs sometimes feel so obvious and right to us that it's easy to feel like it's not your job to explain WHY your side is correct. If your opponent doesn't understand, then it's their fault, not yours, and you don't have to bother explaining further. But the problem is, that mindset won't lead to any change or conversation. The other person's beliefs aren't going to just suddenly change if you present them one opposing statement. Change requires time and effort, so if you want to change their mind, you have to be willing to present an argument and support it. You have to be willing to ask them the questions that will cause them to think, and to answer theirs in turn. You have to be willing to engage with them instead of just shooting a snarky insult back. Make the argument instead of just stating it, and just maybe you'll be able to get them to understand.

All four of these points come together to accomplish a common goal: make communication with people on opposite sides of an ideological divide possible. I would highly encourage you to watch her video because her story and her message is even more important today than ever. In a rapidly changing, seemingly unstable social atmosphere, we need to be able to extend an olive branch and talk to each other even if we disagree. Otherwise, we will only continue to push each other further and further apart.